Posted: April 3, 2016 in writing
Tags: , , , ,

I had the audacity to believe that I was strong enough to remain unhardened by life.
There were periods of time when “inhibition” was not present in my lexicon;
When I was openly ridiculous and passionately expressive.
Times when hugs, for example, were freely given, even to vague acquaintances,
Without even a tinge of emotional discomfort.

When I recall that, I cannot help puzzling over how I have become so frigid.
But I think I know.

When your first lover sexually abuses you
–and even before he does, you feel so insecure in the relationship that you find yourself trailing three feet behind him everywhere you go–
You lose trust.

When each new love, enthusiastically indulged in to the point of total vulnerability
Results in ugliness, abuse, harassment, stalking or even extortion,
You lose your spark in the inferno.

Your chemical composition itself changes;
You are no longer starstuff,
Only fire.

It is both disheartening and wondrous how much of ourselves is just chemicals in our brains;
How our emotions are quite literally reactions in every sense of the word.

When rejection dons a sheep costume and you find,
Down the road a ways, just how sharp its teeth are….
And my, what big eyes you’ve had, to think you could handle it all!
And what a big, dumb heart you’ve had,
Writhing around in your chest like the end of a garden hose (whether the balter was from pleasure or pain)!

Oxytocin or adrenaline.
Dopamine and serotonin or a complete lack of them….
Dormant neurons free from the line of fire.

Each new beginning feels like rising from the ashes
Although it is impossible to discern where the ashes end and you begin.
Until someone hugs you, and you are saddened to realize that there is far less of you left than you had hoped.


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